When life hits us with one challenge after another, it's easy to feel like we're being buried under the weight of our troubles. That’s why many of us can relate to the biblical story of Job, a man who faced unimaginable suffering. Job was in the midst of a crisis that would have broken most of us. He lost his wealth, his children, and his health—all in a short period of time. He was left with nothing but his faith, his pain, and the company of friends who came to comfort him in his darkest hour.
Initially, Job's friends did something incredibly wise—they sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights, simply being present with their suffering friend. This act of solidarity was powerful and showed that sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone who is experiencing trauma is just to be there. However, when they finally opened their mouths, the comfort they offered turned into criticism and blame. Instead of easing Job's suffering, they added to his pain. Job's response was both heartbreaking and revealing: "What miserable comforters you are!" (Job 16:2).
Job’s friends, though well-intentioned, are a classic example of how not to respond to someone who is suffering. Their story serves as a cautionary tale for us when we find ourselves trying to support someone in their own crisis. We need to be mindful that our words can either bring comfort or exacerbate their pain. If we truly want to help, there are things we should avoid saying, and things we should intentionally do, to ensure we are offering support and not deepening the hurt.
Here are five things you should absolutely avoid saying to someone who has experienced trauma, followed by what you can do to support them instead.
1. Throwing Christian Platitudes at the Person
When someone is experiencing deep pain, it’s common to want to offer some sort of comfort. For many of us, our first instinct is to reach for Christian platitudes like, "Heaven must have wanted another angel," following the death of someone, or "Everything happens for a reason." While these sentiments may come from a place of faith, they can often feel dismissive or even hurtful to the person suffering.
In moments of intense grief or trauma, people don’t necessarily need theological explanations for their pain. What they need is to know that they are not alone, that someone cares, and that their pain is valid. Offering platitudes can come across as minimizing their pain or rushing them toward a conclusion they may not be ready to accept. Rather than using well-worn phrases, consider simply acknowledging their pain and letting them know you are there to support them, even if you don’t have all the answers.
2. Minimizing Their Pain
When we witness someone we care about in pain, it can be uncomfortable. We may want to downplay their suffering in an attempt to make them, or ourselves, feel better. However, minimizing someone’s pain can be incredibly harmful. Comments like, "It could be worse," or "At least..." can make the person feel like their feelings are invalid or unwarranted.
Everyone’s experience of trauma is unique, and their pain is real to them. By minimizing it, we risk alienating them and causing even deeper wounds. Instead of trying to make the situation seem less severe, acknowledge the depth of their suffering. Let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling and that you are there for them, without trying to change or fix their emotions.
3. Saying "I Understand"
Although saying "I understand" often comes from a place of kindness, it can sometimes unintentionally make the other person feel dismissed or even belittled. Although you likely want to show empathy and create a connection, there are better ways to express support. Instead of "I understand," try phrases like "I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you, but I’m here for you," "I’m so sorry you’re going through this," or "That sounds incredibly hard." These statements acknowledge the uniqueness of the other person’s experience while still expressing empathy.
Trauma is deeply personal, and no matter how similar the circumstances may seem, we can't fully grasp another person's individual pain or emotional journey. By offering supportive words and simply listening, you allow the person space to express their pain without making the conversation about you. This keeps the focus on their needs and ensures they feel heard and supported without drawing comparisons.
4. Judging Their Honest Emotions
Grief and trauma can bring out a range of emotions—anger, despair, sadness, and even doubt. Sometimes these emotions can be intense, and they may be expressed in ways that make us uncomfortable. However, judging or dismissing someone’s emotions during a time of crisis is unhelpful and damaging.
We need to remember that God created us with emotions, and they are a natural response to pain. Suppressing or judging someone’s feelings can make them feel like they have to hide their true emotions, which stifles healing. Instead, allow them to express whatever they are feeling without judgment. Even if their emotions seem extreme, let them know that it's okay to feel what they are feeling and that you are there to walk alongside them to help them express their emotions in a healthy way.
5. Trying to Speak on Behalf of God
One of the gravest mistakes Job’s friends made was trying to explain Job’s suffering on behalf of God. They spoke as though they knew exactly why Job was going through such hardship, assuming they had insight into God’s reasoning. This only caused more confusion and hurt for Job.
When someone is experiencing trauma, it’s natural for them to question why this is happening. But as much as we might want to offer explanations or answers, it's important to recognize that we don’t know why certain things happen, and it’s not our place to try to speak for God. Instead of offering explanations that may only deepen the person's pain, focus on being present with them in their suffering. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to admit that we don’t have all the answers and to trust that God is with them, even in the uncertainty.
Positive Steps to Support Someone Who Has Experienced Trauma
While there are many things we should avoid saying or doing when someone is hurting, there are also positive steps we can take to provide true support. Let's shift the focus to what we can do to genuinely help someone who has experienced trauma.
1. The Ministry of Presence
One of the most powerful things you can offer someone in crisis is your presence. Often referred to as the "ministry of presence," this means simply being there for someone without the pressure of fixing their problems or providing answers. Your presence alone can offer a great deal of comfort to someone who is hurting.
When Job’s friends first arrived, they sat with him in silence for seven days. This act of solidarity was powerful and comforting. Sometimes, when someone is in deep pain, there are no words that can fix the situation. What they need is to feel that they are not alone, and your quiet presence can communicate that more effectively than anything you could say.
By just being there—sitting with them, holding their hand, or simply sharing the space—you allow them to feel supported and seen. This ministry of presence can provide a sense of safety and comfort that words often fail to offer.
2. Being a Good Listener
When someone is hurting, one of the most valuable things we can offer is our full attention. Listening—truly listening—is about more than just hearing words. It’s about being fully present, empathetic, and engaged in what the other person is saying.
Good listening involves not interrupting, not offering advice unless asked, and not trying to relate their pain back to our own experiences. It’s about making the person feel like their feelings and experiences are valid and that they have a safe space to express them.
When listening, it’s important to validate their emotions. You might say, “That sounds incredibly hard,” or “I can see how much this is affecting you.” These affirmations help the person feel heard and understood, which can be incredibly healing in itself.
3. Connecting Them to Additional Support
While being present and listening are crucial, there may come a time when the person needs more help than you can provide. Offering to connect them with additional support—such as counseling, support groups, or spiritual care—can be a lifeline.
It’s important to approach this conversation gently. You might say, “I think talking to a professional could be really helpful. Would you like me to help you find someone?” This offers support without making the person feel like you’re pushing them away or burdening them. Be willing to assist them in finding the right resources and let them know you’re still there for them along the way.
4. Checking on Them Regularly
One of the most valuable things you can do for someone who is grieving or in crisis is to check in regularly. Trauma can be a long journey, and often, people feel supported in the immediate aftermath but are left alone as time passes. Consistent check-ins remind the person that they are not forgotten, even as the world moves on.
Your check-ins don’t have to be elaborate. A simple text asking how they’re doing, or a phone call to let them know you’re thinking of them, can go a long way in showing that you care. And remember, consistency is key—don’t just check in once and assume they’re okay. Regular follow-up can provide much-needed support as they continue to heal.
At the end of the day, supporting someone who has experienced trauma is not about having all the right words or knowing exactly what to say. It’s about showing up with love, empathy, and a willingness to walk with them through their pain. By avoiding harmful responses and focusing on being present, listening, and offering continued support, we can help others feel seen, heard, and cared for in their time of need.
If this resonates with you, and you want to learn how to better support people through their darkest moments, consider becoming a Trauma Healing Facilitator. Our program offers practical, Christian-based training that equips you to walk alongside those who have experienced significant trauma. Registration for our upcoming class is now open, and you can find out more about how to join us HERE. Together, let’s make sure we’re never “miserable comforters” again but sources of real hope and healing.
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