Few things cut as deeply as betrayal. The heavy grief, sorrow, and pain that feel like a wrenching wound to the heart often follow when our trust is broken. No combination of words can describe when someone steals our trust, and offering our hand of trust back to them can be a far stretch.
I remember one instance where someone I knew severely broke my trust. I believed that this person was helping me through some challenging times, and when I was betrayed by them, I began to deeply ponder and bargain with God, asking Him why was He allowing me to walk through this situation?— In other words, I placed blame on God instead of acknowledging that I was betrayed by someone else. And this is one of the hardest steps to take in understanding betrayal because it requires a deeper reflection of our intimate relationship with God, and acknowledging how God can help walk through pain with us. It takes a lot of conversation with God that is not one-sided, but two-sided. A give-and-take conversation with asking and listening.
Betrayal can be puzzling to understand due to having multiple layers and dimensions, such as in an abusive marriage because it does not just affect the person betrayed, but those around us. Friends and family may make attempts to relieve some of your pain by offering to take away some of the heavy load, whether that is by emotional support or physical support. Though, betrayal can feel isolating because “nobody understands what I am going through.” However, the one person who can truly understand our pain from betrayal is Jesus himself, who was betrayed by Judas in the book of Matthew 26: 14-16 NIV. Judas stole Jesus’s trust, yet, one of my favorite sayings is, “Judas ate too.” In Matthew, we see how just a few short hours before Judas was going to betray Jesus’s trust, Jesus allowed Judas to still have a meal with Him and others. Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him, but chose the route of grace and forgiveness. This story is representative of not only Jesus’s ability to forgive others but also shows us that sinners can still be loved by God. When we extend a hand of forgiveness, it is an extension of forgiveness to both us and to the wounder to allow God to also extend His grace.
The Emotional Impact of Betrayal
The emotional impact of betrayal can create serious strains on our well-being. Common emotional responses that you may expect to experience from betrayal are anger, sadness, frustration, feeling hurt, grief, and even guilt— and this is just to name a few! Betrayal can feel like loss or grieving, as the normalcy that you once knew about your relationship, your situation, or your life feels like a memory from the distant past. This is where the questioning of forgiveness comes in, walking through a spiritual crisis of whether to “let go” or to “let God.”
As I previously described how someone I trusted betrayed me, I remember that the emotional pain that I was experiencing took a physical strain on me. Days can feel like months, seconds like minutes, and commonly, depression symptoms can exhaust all of the energy that you can give for the day. When you are at your wit’s end, it is easy to question the whole integrity of your faith. This is when a spiritual crisis can occur because not only are we in a vulnerable emotional place, but it is easy to fall into the enemy’s trap of believing it was our fault that we “didn’t just have more faith”; Regret becomes the side effect, as Faith on the Journey explored in our previous blog. Entering into a spiritual crisis can easily become a make-or-break situation if betrayal is not addressed, but there are steps you can take to trust again after being hurt.
The Path to Healing: How to Trust Again After Being Hurt
Though the path to healing is not always linear, there are some life-changing steps to take to learn how to trust again after being hurt or after a betrayal. “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” – Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) We will outline each step to help you acknowledge where you are at in your healing journey, and which step to take next.
Step 1: Acknowledgement
Not only is acknowledgment recognizing the facts of the betrayal situation, but it is breaking it down to acknowledge the specifics (The Five W’s— Who, What, Where, When, Why). Recognizing the specifics helps you to recognize the pain of betrayal and its impact on the areas of your life. Allowing yourself to see the emotional toil will help to release the emotional impact (Ephesians 4: 26-27 NIV).
Step 2: Seeking God’s Comfort
When we seek God’s comfort, we are saying to God that we give Him all our trust, recognizing His divine power in our healing journeys. We can seek His comfort through prayer, conversation, worship, intimate time in the Bible, and quiet time alone. (2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 NIV).
Step 3: Forgiveness
Extending forgiveness may be one of the most challenging steps in trusting again after being hurt. Forgiveness is not so much for the person being forgiven but for the person offering to forgive to allow themselves to acknowledge the hurt that they have faced. Letting go of worry and fear helps us gain power back over our situations, choosing a path of healing. (Matthew 6: 14-15 NIV).
Step 4: Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust takes both time and courage. The first step is to understand what it means to trust again. After the first step, rebuilding trust looks like emphasizing honest communication, protecting oneself by setting appropriate boundaries, and recognizing that there is gradual rebuilding of trust. In other words, rebuilding trust is a process and not an overnight fix. (Romans 15: 5-6 NIV). Here is one helpful worksheet that can help you reflect upon betrayal in a romantic relationship by Between Session Resources (2022): WORKSHEET.
Step 5: Community and Support
It is easy to isolate when betrayed, but finding solace in others can be one of the best healing tools that you can use. Whether this is finding a supportive community that can aid in healing, talking to a pastor or trusted friend, or going to be friends, there is strength in being around many voices. (Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 NIV).
Step 6: Moving Forward
After moving through these steps, you may begin to now approach new friendships with hope. You begin to allow your past to be in the past without forgetting, but with knowing that overcoming betrayal can strengthen your character. You may choose to share your story with others and invite them into open conversations about how you can support others going through the same healing journey. (Romans 5: 3-5 NIV).
Conclusion
As I think back on my healing journey from betrayal, I recognize that I am continuing to work on these steps and that it is freeing to begin to learn to trust again. Though healing takes a long time, each day that you choose to embrace God in your healing journey will bring you one step closer to Him. Betrayal is a devastating life event that not only affects your life but impacts those in your close circle, and God wants to help you regain trust with others.
This is why it is so impactful to have someone come alongside you in your healing journey from betrayal. Faith on the Journey would be happy to offer Christian counseling services, helpful resources, education, blogs, podcasts, and more to help you. Please visit Faith on the Journey’s website for more information on how to get started.
About Author
Marisa Bridge, Doctoral Intern with Faith on the Journey, is a Christian Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in Ohio. Marisa holds a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health and Addictions counseling from Youngstown State University in Ohio. She is pursuing a Ph.D. in Counseling and Psychological Studies with a focus on Trauma and Crisis Counseling through Regent University in Virginia, as her passion is to help others resolve trauma symptoms by applying faith-based principles. Marisa presently serves individuals, couples
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