When we experience the loss of a loved one or something significant to us, the wave of grief from the loss can feel like a tidal wave — strong, powerful, sweeping, and strongly overtaking our sense of normalcy. However, sometimes the experience of grief may feel like a calm ocean waiting for the storm to pass by, and there is no easy way of knowing when the storm may hit. This is referred to as delayed grief. When the storm hits, it is best to know how to effectively cope and keep a firm foundation planted in our Christian faith.
What is Delayed Grief, and What are Common Reactions?
It is normal in the grieving process for us to need some time to process such difficult challenges that come with losing someone (or something) who is incredibly important to us, and no amount of time can take away the value of a loved one. We especially remember all of the loveable memories that we so graciously were blessed with over a lifetime… such as spending time with grandma when baking cookies, going fishing with an uncle during the summertime or getting coffee with a best friend on the weekends.
Delayed grief refers to the phenomenon of feeling symptoms of grief after some time has passed following the initial loss. It can happen weeks, months, or even years later as a natural response to the shock of the loss, though occasionally, can be a negative means of coping. Simply put, sometimes individuals may choose to avoid or push aside their reactions to grief for unexplainable reasons. Here are some common reactions that you might hear from someone who is avoiding or pushing away grief:
· “The weight of my grief is too heavy for me to bear…”
· “It is too hard to communicate with others how I am feeling.”
· “It is so challenging to ask for help!”
· “It is not a good time for me to process things right now.”
· “I don’t even know what happened!”
· “I have to keep going and doing my work…”
· “I have to be strong for others.”
· “I am so angry toward the loss because I have regrets of what could’ve been.”
· “I am very upset with God! Why did this happen?”
As mentioned previously in the article, each person’s experiences with grief are personal. Later on, we will discuss how to take care of yourself when you experience delayed grief, and how to recognize when a close loved one is delaying grief. However, it is often recommended to begin discussing these initial beliefs and reactions with a trusted support, pastor, or counselor early on because holding onto some of these beliefs may create a domino effect to negative challenges.
How to Recognize Delayed Grief
One initial reaction that we may have after a loss is to feel as if time is just passing by in the blink of an eye, and not being able to recognize how much time has passed. This is called dissociation. The days following a loss can feel like months, and it is normal to feel certain grief-related symptoms during the grieving period. Your body is in shock! Normal symptoms of grief that you may expect to experience can include brain fog, pain, crying, trouble sleeping, difficulty breathing, irritability, nervousness, sadness, low energy, restlessness, and shock.
For those experiencing delayed grief, these symptoms can appear (or re-appear!) for the first time in unexpected degrees of severity, and, often, may come without warning signs. However, here are some “red flags” to look for:
· A new loss has occurred
· Isolation increase
· Unexplained irritability/ anger
· Hopelessness or helplessness
· Depression or anxiety
· Inability to concentrate/ focus
· Re-experiencing physical symptoms
· Suicidal ideation
· Self-harm
· Intense focus on the loss
· Rumination
Symptoms of delayed grief can happen to anyone. Sometimes, due to life circumstances, societal pressure, or our attempts at coping, delayed grief can occur. For example, grief can be intentionally delayed when we experience the loss of a family member and feel obligated to remain the level-headed person who manages the funeral arrangements while staying emotionally strong to console other grieving family members. As a result, we may deny ourselves the opportunity to grieve in that moment, prioritizing the need to "get things done" and be there for others over our own need to mourn. For those who already have experienced severe or persistent mental health challenges, they may be at increased risk for delayed grief. One helpful way to prevent delayed grief is to normalize and validate the experiences of the person grieving by reminding them that it is okay to allow themselves to feel challenging emotions.
Observing Delayed Grief as a Christian
In the Bible, God reminds us as Christians to remember that our state of mourning is temporary. We can see examples of Biblical people experiencing grief symptoms right after experiencing loss, exemplifying the deep sorrow that fills our souls from the void of the loss. In the book of John, Mary, the sister of Martha, goes out to meet Jesus after her brother, Lazarus’s, death. She fell at Jesus’s feet, stating in John 11: 32 (NIV), that, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Mary is in the denial stage of grief, not wanting to accept her loss. Following this verse, Jesus is seen asking where Lazarus was kept, and he began weeping (John 11: 34-36). The Jews followed by pointing out how much Jesus had loved Lazarus, just as we love others we have lost.
This passage in John shares with us the hope that we receive from Jesus knowing that we are not alone in our grief. To begin the grief process, one way we can heal is to give reverence to the loss by planning a memorial service. It is beneficial to create a meaningful experience by personalizing your special tribute. This personalization may be choosing the prayers, songs, readings, or scriptures included in the service. Alternatively, a memorial service can be as simple as spending a day honoring all of the favorite things that you enjoyed doing with your loved one. For Christians wanting to support other Christians with delayed grief, you can offer to help your friend or family member by offering to pray with them, sitting with them, inviting them to church, or helping them to release grief by getting physical exercise. Movement heals the body and the soul.
Other Ways to Cope Through Delayed Grief
When we experience delayed grief, the path forward is unique to each of us. However, here are some practices that you may find helpful as you navigate your grief journey.
· Exercise
· Journaling
· Telling stories
· Singing a song
· Reaching out to others (e.g., friends, family, church supports)
· Deep breathing or Scriptural meditation
· Prayer
· Eat healthy meals
· Join a Grief Support Group
These coping skills are available for you to unlock at any time, but if you are struggling with delayed grief or would like to learn more about grief, please visit our articles on grief, loss, and bereavement HERE. Additionally, if you or a loved one need support, Faith on the Journey offers Christian Counseling services to help you navigate the grieving process. You may visit our website for more information.
About Author
Marisa Bridge, Doctoral Intern with Faith on the Journey, is a Christian Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in Ohio. Marisa holds a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health and Addictions counseling from Youngstown State University in Ohio. She is pursuing a Ph.D. in Counseling and Psychological Studies with a focus on Trauma and Crisis Counseling through Regent University in Virginia, as her passion is to help others resolve trauma symptoms by applying faith-based principles. Marisa presently serves individuals, couples, and families as a Christian counselor, treating most clinical disorders.
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